Nul points here we come
Last night was the Lord Mayor of Portsmouth's Ball. Had to miss Hawks'
3-1 win over Newport (though financially that was a blessing), as this
ball was starting early - we were due to be picked up at 5.50. In the
end, John and I were left sitting around until 6 pm while me ma, who'd
been toiling away all afternoon taking in a dress she'd bought from a
charity shop, frenetically ironed it and scrabbled around for her comb.
We still made it before the VIP reception began at 6.45.
We walked up a red carpet laid over the Guildhall steps, played in by the Portsmouth Caledonian Pipe Band. David from the New Forest and his friend Liz were there when we stepped inside the door to be handed glasses of Bucks Fizz, and we all took the lift up to the reception floor together.
After saying hello to Fred and Margaret, we met Brian and Audrey from East Hants, Charles and Kirsty from the Isle of Wight and Sue from Winchester. Audrey asked whether I'd ever been in the Lord Mayor of Portsmouth's Parlour, I replied yes and she asked me when.
"1981." I went to a Portsmouth school then, and that year I was one of two pupils chosen to present the Lord Mayor with a cheque for what we'd raised for her charities.
"Go and re-acquaint yourself, then," Audrey smiled.
The Portsmouth parlour's twice the size of ours and very posh. The first thing I noticed was a Polish pennant hanging above the main table; shame Charles' friend Agnieszka wasn't there to see it. On the table, I was delighted to see that the group photo from Gosport's Civic Day last August was in pride of place. I went off to fetch my mother and show her; she was delighted. Sue from Winchester accompanied her, so I told Sue the story of my previous visit to the Parlour 26 years ago.
While we were in the Parlour Jim and Maria arrived, so Maria and I had a hug and full-on snog. Next came Peter and Marian from Eastleigh and John and Pam from Fareham. We all stood around making small talk until the call came to follow Fred and Margaret down the stairwells to dinner.
We were on Fred's table, with John and Pam, Richard and his friend Ellen, David the Dean of Portsmouth and Cheryl, head of a local radio station. We got a five course dinner - salmon, soup, best end of lamb with all the trimmings including mint sauce and redcurrant jelly, chocolate shell filled with whipped cream, raspberry sauce and a couple of Matchmakers (so I fell off the wagon again - whoops - though David pointed out that it wasn't a bar of chocolate so I was arguably sticking to the letter if not the spirit of the law) and coffee (where I got back to Lent business by declining a chocolate mint). Between the first two courses I took out my mobile to text in my vote for Lil McClarnon in A Song For Europe. Rob and Ann both texted me to share opinions on the show and let me know who they'd voted for (Ann chose Cyndi's power ballad, as did Emily and Amy while Rob and Sue plumped for Big Brovaz), so it was noticed around our table that I was sending quite a few text messages. Richard said to me "Are you having text sex?" When I explained it was A Song For Europe night, Pam said "What are you doing here, then?"
"Couldn't miss the Lord Mayor's Ball," I replied. I added that I'd also had to miss a Havant & Waterlooville home game to come.
"You have been good," said Pam. She initially had the impression that it was the actual Eurovision that was going on, so I had to explain that it was just the selection of the UK entry. When David asked how I knew when a text message arrived, I said I had my phone on vibrate. My mother said "He's got a vibrator in his pocket" and burst out giggling, and David asked whether my phone came from Ann Summers...
As if I didn't have enough exchanging of texts to do, during the main course my phone vibrated. I waited till I'd finished my food before taking the phone out to read it. This one was nothing to do with the song contest - it was Jade asking whether I wanted to come out for a drink with her and her friend Claire! So, to an observation from Pam "You are busy tonight," I texted Jade back to explain that I was at the Lord Mayor of Portsmouth's Ball. That must have taken her by surprise. She just replied "Have fun".
Ann texted with the bad news at 9.45 - the final two were Cyndi and Scooch. She begged me to cast a vote now for Cyndi. Having heard Scooch's novelty song in full, I obliged. I didn't have time to mope over Lil's fate, as at that moment the chocolate shell was put in front of me. Maria was on the table next to ours : during dessert we blew kisses to each other.
Over the port came the news from Ann: "We are doomed! Scooch won. Maybe Euro pop lovers will give us points. I seriously dislike it." I knew how she felt. I replied "I think it's got Nul written all over it. Ah well, at least we can enjoy the night in May without worrying about how we're going to do - we know already it's going to bomb." Ann answered "Not sure which is worse, our song for Europe or the fact that if I am honest Man U are playing some beautiful football this season! Bastards." As Ann likes to see all our local teams do well I did my best to cheer her up by replying that Hawks are 3rd in Conf South and playing attractive football and Gosport Borough are pushing for promotion. (She's a Tottenham fan, so if I'd had my wits about me I'd have remembered to remind her of Spurs' magnificent form in Europe too. I've just this minute sent her a 'PS' text to that effect.)
After the coffee, as it was St Patrick's Day we had a display of Irish dancing from the same kids who'd performed at the Rushmoor ball in November, then a female-fronted covers band called Relative Strangers came on. They were very good, playing songs ranging from the sixties to the eighties, often adding a swing flavour to them. As is my wont, I sat enjoying the music while a lady from the staff kept me in free glasses of port, content to let others dance. Much of the time I talked to Maria, Sue and Charles. David made a couple of gestures in my direction trying to get me on to the dance floor, exhorting me to dance with my mother as I'm her consort, but I smiled and shook my head. So David danced with her. Ironically, it wasn't long before I did hit the floor, just for one song - one of my all time favourites, Da Doo Ron Ron.
After an hour of music came the raffle draw. Everyone on our table had green tickets. Margaret, next to me, put her hand on my shoulder and said I was going to win, as, being St Patrick's Day and having green tickets, I'd have the luck of the Irish. A dozen prizes were drawn - the winning tickets were white, blue, yellow and orange, but not a green winner in sight! A few shouts along the lines of 'Shake 'em up!" emanated from our table, and the green-ticket holders at the neighbouring one. Eventually someone with a green ticket did win - Fred. Cue shouts of 'fix' from the next table.
The envelope draw followed; the two winners, who were on the same table, promptly donated their £350 winnings to the Lord Mayor's Charities, to enormous cheering. Then Relative Strangers came back on to do another set; at this point mayors and chairmen began to leave, so my mother rounded up Jim, Maria, Sue, John and Pam for a group photo before they left, with Liz kindly agreeing to take it. After we'd done the pic I met Sam Matterface in the corridor; had a quick chat about football with him, then went back into the hall for another port and more music, till, with only her and Richard of the chain gang still there, my mother decided to call it a night at 12.40 and phoned for John - he was already waiting outside.
